You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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