dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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