Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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