that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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