so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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