I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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