I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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