I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
