True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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