His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
