my phone needs a breathalizer
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
