what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Randomize
