i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
