I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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