I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
