More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
