you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
