U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
