I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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