girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
