When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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