my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
