I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
