There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
