lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize