On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
