My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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