end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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