Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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