I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
