Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
