I met the friendliest cop last night
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
