Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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