He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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