there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
