No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
