So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize