Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize