Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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