I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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