The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
