You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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