his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
