I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
4 words: hood of his car
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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