I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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