Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
