You're so nebulous sometimes
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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