so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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