She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
