I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Found your dick twin last night
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
