Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
