i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I pour the whiskey from now on
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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