I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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