omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
