I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
