I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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