You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
