I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
