Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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