can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
