someone owes me an orgasm
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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