I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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