I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
