At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
