I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
