Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize