Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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