I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
