Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
