Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize