My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
