the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize