Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
