Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
